My First Taste of Winter in Niskayuna . . .

December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow–the first snow of the season in our new house. Susan and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the big living room window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven and fill up the backyard. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print--so romantic. We felt like newlyweds. I love
snow!

December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea we've ever had. I shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again–the driveway and the sidewalks. Later the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much more snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14 - Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to minus 20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my Toyota and bought a 4x4. Bought snow tires for Susan's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. Susan wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. Susan laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at Susan and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damned stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the local hardware stores to see about buying a snow blower. They all said they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today. It's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the *#$% is lying.

December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0 degrees. Susan wanted me to decorate the front of the house for Christmas this morning. Is she, nuts?! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did. I think she's lying.

December 24 - 6" today. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the S.O.B. who drives that snow plow I'll drag him through the snow and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling. Then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight Susan wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25 - Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. Susan says I have a bad attitude. She really gets on my nerves. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really starting to annoy me.

December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him. Happily, he charged only $1,400 to replace all the pipes.

December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The SHREW is driving me crazy!!!

December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I’ve ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver; he is now suing me for a million dollars not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his b---. Susan went home to her mother. 9" more predicted.

December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to this bed?

____________________________________________________________________

. . . adapted from an anonymous essay on the internet